ANNIE

2.5 stars (out of 5)

Filmings of the musical version of the comic-strip character ‘Little Orphan Annie’ have always been a dicey prospect, with director John Huston’s 1982 take overblown and icky and Rob Marshall’s 1999 TV production stronger and more faithful – but almost unknown. And now there’s this tampered-with updating, produced by Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Jay Z, given a cynical and supposedly PC makeover, and (as demonstrated by its trailers) almost embarrassed to be a MUSICAL (eeeeeekk!!!).

Contemporary-Harlem-residing orphan (sorry, foster kid) Annie (played by Quvenzhané Wallis, pre-teen Oscar nominee for Beasts Of The Southern Wild, and that’s pronounced ‘kuh-venn-juh-nay’) lives in the care of Colleen Hannigan (overacting Cameron Diaz) and believes, no matter what, that one day her parents will come for her. When mobile phone tycoon and New-York-mayor-wannabe Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx) saves her from being struck by a car, and the good publicity has a beneficial effect on his flagging popularity, he decides to take her in, as per the advice of one advisor who has a crush on him (she’s Rose Byrne) and one advisor he really shouldn’t trust (and he’s Bobby Cannavale). In a modern touch, Annie knows that she’s being used by Stacks (not Warbucks this time out) but agrees to the exploitation anyway, which gives this rather an unsavoury aspect, and if that wasn’t enough to put audiences off, then there are all of those big song setpieces. They include: Annie and the foster kids’ brassy shot at It’s The Hard-Knock Life; Wallis and Byrne’s I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here (where poor Rose has trouble dancing in heels); Diaz and Cannavale’s Easy Street and Diaz’s Little Girls, both of which take Cameron’s vocal shortcomings and hide them beneath her character’s hatred of singing; and Tomorrow, one of the most optimistic ditties ever written and performed here twice, once with gagging sentiment and once more with gruesomely cheesy humour.

Co-written and directed by Will Gluck, who brings none of the cool wit of his Easy A and Friends With Benefits, this is one of the major miscalculations of the year, a fudged blockbuster that’s virtually DOA, as punters simply can’t stand musicals. But don’t worry: the sun’ll come out, tomo… oh, forget it!!!