2 stars (out of 5)
A film based on Blizzard Entertainment’s outrageously popular franchise of Warcraft video games, novels, comics, card games, sex toys (just kidding) and more was announced 10 years ago and somehow it eventually fell to Duncan Jones (aka Duncan Zowie Haywood Jones, or even Zowie Bowie) to co-write and direct the thing, even though his only experience previously was on the intimate, intriguing sci-fi efforts Moon and Source Code. So what on Earth attracted him to take on such a gargantuan and soulless blockbuster, you might well ask? Did he think he could bring a personal stamp to such material? Did he see it as a step up career-wise? Was he a fan of the game, perhaps? Or was it just the money? Hmmmm…
The plot is sort of a backstory to the world of Warcraft and it’s pretty much expected that you’ll know exactly what the Hell’s going on – and, if you don’t, well, tough. So, um, there’s this orc world called Draenor, and it’s falling apart due to heavy orc infestations and the tusked FX monster-men are looking to use the magical ‘fel’ to power a barely-explained portal which leads to Azeroth, which is where humans live (or what in this movie pass as humans anyway).
Durotan (Toby Kebbell’s voice) is chieftain of the orc clan and has misgivings about the whole invasion thing, especially as his missus has a little orc on the way, but Durotan’s surrender-monkey qualms are overridden by powerful orc sorts like Gul’dan (voiced by Daniel Wu), who’s got wild green FX eyes which he uses to freak everyone out (except the audience). When the orcs attack the kingdom of Stormwind, they don’t upset military commander Sir Anduin Lothar (Aussie Travis Fimmel) too much, but King Llane Wrynn (Dominic Cooper) is worried, and Medivh (Ben Foster in masochistic form again) is also driven to do lots of magic stuff in his role as Guardian of Tirisfal (and are you with us so far???).
All this at once intricate, bewildering and absurd story is eventually resolved into a tediously endless series of thumping FX battles in which nothing is real (so why should we care, yet again?) and so much remains unclear, like just what the Hell Garona Halforcen (Paula Patton) is meant to be. A sexy green half-orc lady with a ragged cloth bikini, small and sweet tusks and lots of pouty expressions? Does that mean that an orc once had sex with some poor human? Yuk!!! Or is there some magic reason for her half-caste-ish-ness? Well, you’d hope so, gamers.
Sometimes known as Warcraft: The Beginning (the hopeful subtitle is on the posters and ads but not the credits), Jones’ mammoth epic should prove an endurance test for anyone who hasn’t played the video game for more than 1000 straight hours, and the whole deadening experience makes you feel like you aren’t (and never were) truly a part of the 21st Century. And that’s probably a good thing, for orc’s sake!!!
I Wake Up Screening 